It should be stressful to be stress free
Being chill, productive, and moving in a positive direction is something I know I can do
I know I am working towards it with positive directions being:
– Transitioning gender
– Freedom in job to do what I want to make money
– Being in Seattle to grow as an adult away from family and expectations
– Working with XPR and therapy

I do feel the settled nature I’m adopting and the peacefulness
I feel as though I’m still playing out some cleanup of my restless lifestyle
I still have even tickets booked for September
I still have stuff in a storage unit in Georgia

But I’m thinking it might be time for me to let those things go.
I’m thinking it might be time for me to chill the fuck out with the hoarding.
I don’t need those things and I feel it intuitively.
I feel the weight they put on me.
Maybe it’s a sunk cost
And that’s okay.

I find myself in situations where I need to be stressed in order to get something done
To stress in order to not stress
I don’t have a schedule, routine, or anything too concrete for work
I have:
– Weekly 1 hour therapy
– XPR weekly on Mondays
– XPR 7×7 daily
– Meeting with YouTuber business dude monthly
– Meeting with Aunt Pam, who is a writer, monthly
– Lifter calls every week for Feature Friday (now on Tuesdays)
– Lifter Presales & Office Hours

I’d like to have habits around money and finance for routines per month and per week

The above items net me about $100/month
Laid out like this:
– XPR: -$400/month
– Therapy: -$100/month
– Aunt Pam & YouTuber: $0/month
– Lifter: $600/month

I’d like to say I have more of outlined routines in my business
Like if I had a subscription for $120/month for WordPress business stuff
30 people signed up would be
$3500/month (pre-tax)
That would get most of my expenses covered predictably and I’d be able to make up the rest
with random projects

Right now I’m 100% dependent on random projects for that income.

I’d like for this month to develop a system where I can get that recurring income coming in
There’s currently no opportunity for people to engage with me on that level

There’s no outline of the services I offer
There’s no consistent schedule for YouTube releases

I’d like some consistency in those areas

But I haven’t wanted that consistency up to this point
I’m afraid that if I had that consistency I’d grow to dislike what I’m working on
I’m worried that if I had to be consistent myself I’d be unmotivated to do my work
What work would I be motivated to do consistently?
I do shadow work all the time
I like cleaning work
I like creative work
I like work that does not have deadlines or expectations
That’s the kind of work I think I could do forever consistently
Maybe there’s more for me to unlock there

What can I do to get my consistency and output in order?
Does mediocrity or ordinariness scare me? 

It does scare me to death for me to not think my work is special
It scares me to death for Briar to believe I’m not special
I think she must want someone who is special
So I must be special
I think that I want someone who is special
So I try to be that

People say “Ordinary is extraordinary”
I don’t feel that yet
I feel like that’s BS to me right now
I feel like, “okay, how can I ever feel good about being ordinary old me?”
I’d like to see why being ordinary is so cool
Why is it so good?

Ordinary people are allowed to follow the wisdom of their hearts
There’s no outside wisdom that could influence as status doesn’t play into their game
How much failure do I need to make a true decision from beyond to stop trying to be special
I fantasize about meeting Briar again in situations where I’m something special
Where I be something special or do something special and that makes her come back
As if I wasn’t special enough
I don’t understand how someone could want to date someone who isn’t special

Am I reluctant to forgive my dad for insisting I must be some kind of way to be successful
(to take off my pajama pants and be a normal person to fit in)
I definitely don’t forgive him for that. I want to prove him wrong.
I want to be so outrageous and so good at my job that there’s no doubt he was wrong.
I don’t want it mended, I want him to know he was wrong.
But I bet he’s already forgotten about that.

I’m reluctant to give myself to a relationships
Am I reluctant to forgive my mom for making me feel like I was never enough?
And that the decisions I make aren’t really what I’m thinking?
(only if the decision to be transgender or date a certain person make sense to her)
If it doesn’t make sense to her, then it doesn’t make sense.
I don’t forgive her for that.
I project that onto other people by trying to understand everything.

These are new thoughts for me today.

What would it look like to forgive my dad for saying I’m not buttoned up enough?
What would it look like to forgive my mom for questioning everything I think?

It would look like no doubt that I’m good enough. I’m good enough in the present
No matter how undone and how much others might question me.
Then I could be ordinary
I could stop worrying about being so great and so crazy and so rebellious

I feel like there’s something more I’d have to do to go deeper
To get this done by working on something everyday
I don’t think knowing this truth is enough
What can I do to choose peace in those moments?
The moments where I feel the doubt of others on my decisions
The moments where I feel judgement from others about being unprofessional

Maybe I could forgive them
I could be like, “you’re right and I’m wrong, but I’m not going to change because I don’t want to”
This is what I do to make my life and work fun
This is me having fun
Bringing fun to the party
Bringing fun and story to the table
This is how I’m called to be right now

I don’t need to tell them any of that
But maybe I can feel it within myself and feel how their projection of these things reflects how they feel
oppressed in the same way.

Maybe over time I can liberate them by liberating myself
In my current position I liberate others while staying in prison myself
I didn’t know what the real problem is until now
But I think I may have something there

I think I might have forgiveness for those who judge me and those who doubt me
I found forgiveness for those who hurt me in that way.

If I’m not with Briar, then I’ll feel ordinary about waking up every day

I can’t have that. Being ordinary.

That would be death. I learned my whole life that mediocrity is bad.

It’s like being a sheep, going with the crowd, being like everyone else.

Those who can rise above that and ascend to some next level would be the ones who did well

The ones who survived and the ones who were cool.

I wanted to be like that and so I attached to status and status games.

As a super young person like 5 years old, I didn’t do that

I didn’t play status games. I was so much more pure at that time.

I guess with wisdom I can find purity through examining how I’ve lost it.

I wish I could just have purity without ever having lost it

But then I wouldn’t have wisdom, which would be the only way I’ll know how to find my way back when I lose my purity again. When I lose my ‘not caring’ about what others think.

I didn’t care what others thought of me when I was 5

My mom hadn’t tried to control my thoughts and my dad hadn’t tried to control my image. I had nothing to hold against them and nothing I didn’t forgive them for.

Once I found some things I don’t forgive them for, some things I want to prove them wrong on, that’s when my purity left the building.

That crippling sense of not feeling like I’m enough that I resist feeling and thus always feel that I’m never enough in other ways.

I must feel that I am not enough in order to come to peace with the pain. That will always be a part of me that tickles me. That will always be something that turns me on.

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