You can find my resources all over the internet given away by me

But here’s the thing

That’s great for me

What you pay for here is curation and community 

The powerful conversations we have around these topics 

And the cutting edge stuff

You’re not investing in me or these beautiful resources I love so much

You’re investing in you

Your business

Saying I want to know how to get unstuck and have that coach to get you out of every jam you’re in when you’re frustrated at your desk

I want to ask you if you’ve ever gone for something in life and it didn’t feel as good as you thought it would.

You work hard doing things you don’t love, and then you end up getting to a place you will love

But then you get there

Your happiness only lasts so long

I once knew a cool dude called Scott Savor 

He said something like this one time:

If you eat some great food, you’ll be happy for a day

If you buy yourself something you’ll be happy for a week

If you get a pet, you’ll be happy for 6 months

If you get married you’ll be happy for a year

If you learn how to truly find gratitude, you’ll be happy forever

Loving those things you have

But that shit is hard when what we truly want is on the other side of work

I want a business that makes me $100,000 per year and is an asset i can love and trust I’ll have fun engaging with

That experience is on the other side of me doing things I hate for now

“We all have to do things we don’t want to do sometimes.”

My CEO told me that once

I used to believe it but I spent too much time doing things I don’t want to be doing.

So I needed to tear everything I thought down and rebuild it.

In that process I got so many things I wanted like a house and a car and a cat and a bunch of money and crap I didn’t need.

I also got a ton of experience, met awesome people I love to this day, and friends I’ll have for life.

Look I want to go to my CEOs funeral in 45 years

That’s how committed I want to be to the people I work with

That’s how much I want to love my job.

I want you to love it in the same way.

A client told me recently that she might die and gave me some of her assets to protect like domains and hosting access so when she fixes her business won’t

I’m going to lose my shit the day she stops emailing me back and I know what I need to do.

This is how I want you to feel with your client relationships

And I also don’t want you to feel like you’re giving yourself away in any way

Giving away your time 

Giving away your money

I want you to feel like you’re doing your thing

Doing what you should be doing to invest in you in a way that feels easy, obvious, and fun

I want you to be the person you dreamed of this time last year

I saw myself in the reflection of the window of the train and I always try and capture that picture of myself but it never looks quite right

The picture I take sucks

I’m jealous of those who get numbers better than me.

Better views, better followers, better growth, better money

With that mindset, I’ll always be jealous of those who get better numbers than me.

I see someone with 500 followers and average 1000 views per post and I think to myself, “once I get that amount of followers I’ll be happy”.

Then I get to those numbers and then I feel like I’m still not enough.

I say, I’ll be happy when I get to 2k followers and have 3k post interaction.

Because at that point, I’ll be able to make enough money from my content to where I can be happy with it.

Just need more views, and the way to get more views is to do more of the things I don’t like doing. So in order to be happy, I must be unhappy.

I might say I reject what my CEO had told me about doing things we don’t want to do as a way to find happiness, but I think I don’t actually reject it because I think it all the time through my actions.

I think it through my words and what I commit to doing.

You can see it in my indecision and my jealousy.

Seeing someone else and I decide they’re happy and if I just had what they had, I’d be happy too.

How would I work my way out of this to get to a point where I can be happy with what I do as I do it without expecting anything else out of it?

Without expecting any kind of money, power, fame, safety, or relationships.

Would it be too much discipline for me to stay in the place of being enough?

I think I run away from that

Run away from the feeling of being enough because it feels like energy that’s too high vibration.

Too much is going right, it doesn’t feel like the world I know anymore, so I’ll have to create something wrong so I have something to worry about.

So I have something that is not currently enough.

Maybe I’ll volunteer for a new project.

Or I’ll start a new project of my own.

Or take on a promotion at work to grow my career faster.

When I get to that state of enough, I’ll always do something to self sabotage and end up in a position of not being enough.

When Briar was interested in me, I went ahead and chose that I need to become someone greater than who I was in order to please her.

She didn’t say anything about wanting that, but I decided to add more to the mix to fuck it up.

I think I think that if I’m overwhelmed, that’s where the ‘true me’ thrives.

When I’m stressed and overwhelmed so much that I don’t care about high pressure situations because I push myself so hard I disassociate.

So my solution to problems is to push myself so hard I I disassociate and can do anything.

Anything meaning, learn that new skill. Or talk to that new person. Or get to what I think is the next level in my life.

I think about this with buying decisions where I’m tempted to buy something and my heart tells me not to.

I think that by buying this thing. By taking on a possession and allowing that possession to possess me.

I’ll have more of what I want now and more drive to make more money in the future.

I resisted a buying decision yesterday and I’m happy about that.

I feel good, I feel like I resisted ‘evil’.

Not that buying is evil, but the headspace I was in when I was thinking about buying that thing was evil.

I don’t need a $200 Magic the Gathering deck right now.

I just don’t need it. And I don’t want it. But something about it tempted me.

And I traveled to that future point where I had it and felt the dissatisfaction with having it and then was able to make a decision I can stand behind now.

I’d like to be able to do that more.

To operate from a position of empowerment rather than operating from a position of fear of loss.

That’s why I’m excited about building out my own resources for my membership now is that these things are meant to help me get unstuck.

Meant to help me and others get unstuck when it comes to business, the projects we work on, and getting caught up in rabbit holes.

That feels like a mission I could assemble a vision and mission around and feel good about working on today.

Finding the sense in enough in my mission of perusing that path is what it is for me right now that will provide me that freedom.

The freedom of feeling good about what I’m working on as I’m working on it.

There’s still a barrier to connecting that to asking for money that I’m not yet over yet. A new snake in my brain. Or one that I know I’ll want to address next.

I look forward to refusing to think into my view of money as evil. And I look forward to ignoring my priority to make that a healthy relationship in my life. (The relationship between me and money)