March 28, 2024

2:33 am

What result am I “trying” to avoid via the addiction?

I’m trying to avoid the result where I’m an outcast

I’m trying to avoid the result where I’m wrong

Maybe I want to be a politician in the future.

What I’m doing now could sabotage that

But I don’t really want to be a politician. I just tell myself that as an excuse to not do what I want now

I think what I want will change in the futureI look at my life as being volatile and emotional

So many times I look at decisions I had a desire to make or something I desired to say

And I didn’t say it and looking back, I’m like, “damn, I’m glad I didn’t do that”

But looking back, I don’t regret anything
I don’t regret any of my interactions with Briar
No matter how painful that shit has been
I don’t regret any of my decisions to leave school, drop out of 4-H, drop out of baseball, leave LifterLMS
I don’t regret any of that for a second.

It all makes me very scared.
I’m scared what if I wanted to do something with baseball
What if 4-H would have led to something great
What if I’d have stayed in school, gone to college, and met my dream girl
What if sticking with LifterLMS for just 1 more year would have left me in a good place

I know all those questions are bullshit. I need to leave all of them.
But some questions are harder to answer:
What if Briar thought I was cool? Wouldn’t that be great? God says, no, that would suck
Will never would have started transitioning
Will might not have continued to be unhappy
Will might not have gone to Europe for 2 months
Will might have compromised sexual exploration if she wasn’t into that

My life could be so fucked up in other ways.

My pain feels like it might be my driver
That shit sucks
I get to points in my life all the time where I’m like “I’m depressed, I’m going to do something crazy”
“I’m going to do something today”
“I’m going to make some momentum in my life”
“I’m going to get that shit done”
“I’m going to post that social media post”
“I’m going to reach out to that person”

Maybe there’s something for me to unlock in that pain
I’ve mentioned to others and myself how when I’m sleep deprived, sad, depressed, or impaired, I’m more interesting
For some reason, I capture the eyes of others (women) (women I’m interested in dating) (women I’m interested in holding)

Maybe my pain isn’t something to be avoided
Every time I’m in a mindset like tonight
I want the pain to end
I want to run from the pain
The pain feels overbearing

I miss her
I wish she was here
I wish I was who I want to be
I wish I wasn’t deeply unhappy
I wish shit was different
I don’t see eye to eye with God
If I did, if I really was the masochist I say I am, I would feel it
The tearing apart of my soul would mean something else to me.

It would be something I might not run away from.

I’d ask that question to someone else
I’d ask that question to spiritual coaches
I’d ask that question to my parents
I’d ask that question to mentors
I’d ask it to strangers who feel something similar to how I feel

But I know the answer
I always know the answer
That’s an answer I can see clear as day when I choose not to avoid it.

Poking at my wound is who I am.
Obsessiveness lends to my personality in interesting ways.
Maybe some sort of vision for my life is not to triumph over pain, but to be with pain
To let pain reverberate
To let it be felt instead of avoided

Maybe that’s just the vision for life for me to communicate to myself
To learn for myself that lesson

If the universe and God I created wanted me to suffer, then why do I avoid that suffering

Is it that I don’t want this life? I feel like that’s not it, that doesn’t feel right

I feel like it’s might be that I don’t see what’s going on

It might be that I don’t see how things are unfolding is exactly how I allow them to unfold

It’s exactly what I asked for

I asked for pain. That’s what I have. That’s what I want.

Maybe leaning into that painful existence is what I could do to feel into life.

The pain when my eyes are burning after working on my computer for 12 hours

The pain of not being able to go out with friends

The pain of feeling like I’m missing out on parts of life.

I’m not missing out on anything

I’m building the life I want for myself

Rodney’s not missing out on shit, Rodney is building the life Rodney wants for himself.

My mom isn’t missing out on anything, she’s building the life she wants for herself.

That’s what life means to me, that’s what life means to them.

We build into the life we see.

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