by focusing on things like meal prep it means I don’t need to focus on meals every day and just 1 day of the week I can focus on that

I wonder what else I could focus on to improve my productivity throughout the week

Maybe financial planning and business one day

Coding another day or something

I can really go a few directions with it and I feel it’s usefulness

I can’t think of what I would be resisting

I did have some conversations today that were present

And that was something I haven’t experienced for a while just slowing down and feeling my presence and my body and others in the room.

I would never want to live in a reality where “God” doesn’t hear my prayers

Why is what I really want to live in that reality?

I guess because I don’t want to take action as it might be uncomfortable

I might lose what I have today if I move into the future taking risks

But if I don’t take those risks, I’ll lose everything, I’ll be constrained

I don’t want to do something new or believe that I can truly live in a reality where God hears my prayers

Because if I really was ‘praying’ I’d be praying with my actions and not my words

Praying with actions is the only way I’ve created anything interesting for myself in life

I can feel that

I may have also forgotten to smell the roses and see where I’m at and what I’m doing

How incredible it is that I can survive on my own independent of Lifter

I can survive on my own in a city without feeling like I can never make it out of the small town Minnesota

I didn’t think these things were possible before, not on a sexual level

I was in tremendous scarcity

And I’ve been burned in the process, but trial by fire is the fastest way to learn

My first roommate was terrible

I destroyed a relationship with Briar by not being myself

I spent years of my life working towards a career that might not even be for me

But with my roommate, I learned to appreciate others. I just do appreciate others and am able to navigate social circumstances 10x better than I would be otherwise. I was also exposed to a whole new world of the circus people, strip clubs, drugs, etc.

With destroying my relationship with Briar, I learned a lot about who I really am through studying the obsession. Allowing the obsession to cause me depression and discontentment and using things like the mystery school program I’m in to study it

Years of my life working towards a career that might not even be for me, I learned how I don’t want to be

In all of these things I learned how I don’t want to be and how I do want to be

In my career I want to be peaceful

In my romantic relationship I want to be peaceful

With those I come close to and move apart from I want to be peaceful

In my career, I want to feel curious (about what I’m working on to where it consumes my mind)

In my romantic relationships, I want to be honest (about what I want and who I am)

In my platonic relationships, I want to be present (no just trying to start business, tell a story, or get high together)

I want to be in the moment, be honest, and be curious

Those are 3 things I haven’t had the last 3 years and even last 8 years

I feel like I’m struggling sometimes, but I know there are ways I can get a handle on that

I love that I’m writing as I think I’ll look back on these writings when I’m older just like I look back on the YouTube videos I created years ago

I create things prolifically now a days

That’s something years ago I wished I could do

I wished I could create things easiy like a video or blog post.

I can do that now like it’s nothing

Like it’s effortless. That’s a huge win for me in the long term for me. I hadn’t ever stopped to think about that before 🙂

I’m thinking a lot about how I’ll be [redacted age] soon and I want to be intentional with my life and how I spend it

People say life moves way too fast

I feel that vibe when I look back in time and it feels like a flash, but with the stories I tell, pictures I take, things I write, and videos I create, it feels like time is infinite.

My live sales calls with Kurt have only been going 18 months or so, but it feels like forever we’ve been doing that

We have so many memories and whatnot doing those calls

Kurt told me this week, “Man, it really sucks not working with you as much”

That feels great to hear

Makes me feel like I’ve left an impact on people

That’s what I want to do in some way related to my vision is make an impact on people where no matter what I am working on, it’s completely unique in how it leaves an impression on people

I think that’s something I’ve wanted to do and struggled with for years, but now I can also come up with creative ideas for storytelling and presentations super easily.

Finding my place in life where I can channel that energy will be a huge challenge for me

I think a lot of things will pull me in every direction in life which is why I’m grateful to be working with the mystery school program and trying to find my heart

It doesn’t feel like I have a lot of life in front of me, but I do feel that sentiment as I grow as a person and look back on how I’ve grown and changed

But I guess it’s probably true that most of my life is in front of me

I like to think of it short term so I don’t get in my head about trying to protect my future so much that I don’t live in the present

I think I can find something I’d like to create and really stick to it in a way where no matter how long I live, the work has meaning in the long run and short term for paying rent and food and stuff.

I’m just unclear about exactly what that is

Like what I could work on in that capacity

I don’t know if there’s a job taht focuses on just hanging out and talking to people

And creating things in the way I do

As I publish stuff I’ve worked on in the last few years, I feel the creative alignment, so maybe for me, taking time dedicated each week to publish or refurbish some old content would be something I could do.

That feels right

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I talk in inappropriate ways about inappropriate things