May 22, 2024

10:09 pm

The fool and the mortician

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday.

She was very hesitant and anxious to deliver this news.

I’d known for weeks she was not interested in dating anymore.

But she wouldn’t tell me that.

She just stopped talking to me very much.

We used to text every day and see each other every other day.

We used to cuddle and I loved that.

But one day she got sick.

Sick of me. Sick saying she’s dysregulated.

I have a feeling her dysregulation is about to clear up very fast.

Whether she knows it or not, at some point there, she just stopped wanting to be with me.

That’s sad to me. I know our relationship doesn’t have super long legs.

I felt that. I still liked her. And at one point, loved her.

She’s new to relationships and in the big picture, I am too.

I think the hardest part of all of this for me was yesterday deleting her contact, deleting her as a friend on social media, and deleting any form I possibly had to get in touch with her.

I have no way to get in touch with her now.

In that moment of truly letting go, I was very hurt and sad.

I didn’t really feel that hurt and sadness until I forced myself to let her go.

I desire to still be dating her, but I don’t have that.

One time a woman ghosted me.

She just was not interested in me after 2 dates and disappeared slowly.

That shit ripped my heart out.

I’ve been in pain for years over that shit.

I think something about the prospect of someone I think is physically beautiful in every way and initiated the relationship herself and was highly engaged as we’d text every single hour we’re both awake.

I woke up and I was happy to be awake because it meant I got to talk to her.

I haven’t felt that with a partner in about 2 years now.

Since I met her.

I’ve tried so many things to get over this woman.

(Briar – referenced in other blog posts)

I’m stuck

I’ve been stuck for a while in my own identity

Stuck for a while on not worshipping myself

Not making myself a life I’d love.

Not making anything I do sacred.

Not making space in my life for relationships.

Not being emotionally available.

Not being able to go outside and talk to people because I’m too intimidated if I’m not high or drunk or sleep deprived or impaired in some way.

This could be some ‘cosmic sign’ that I’m supposed to be turning within this decade

And the more I resist this turning within, the more complicated the outside world is.

The more judgements I have about the outside world, the more judgements I have that are un-investigated in myself.

I don’t want to feel sad anymore.

Going so far as to try to kill myself at one point, like I’m hurting. Not just from relationships, but from everything. From something I don’t yet see.

Because I can get relationships and when I do something there is missing.

I think it’s ‘the one’ who’s missing. Like I’m not in a relationship with the right person.

But maybe they’re not in a relationship with the right person (me)

The more I figure out truly who I am and want to be through kink culture and through shadow work, I feel more isolated than ever.

I feel more real though.

I feel like I can write blog posts and chapters of my book and I can be on hormone replacement therapy and be openly kinky and be free from my job which I thought was what was locking me down in life.

I can free myself and have been freeing myself in so many ways.

The ‘snake beliefs’ or ‘snakes in the space’ in my mental space now are bigger than ever.

I’m so grateful for every ounce of work and pain I’ve put in over time.

I look back and I don’t even recognize myself as me.

The pictures of me and thoughts I had 5 years ago, don’t even feel like the same person to me now.

I love that kid (me) who put all this work in to build a brighter future for me (now)

And I know that the future me will thank the present me for putting in that work too.

For putting in the work to communicate from the heart and try to unlock wholesome power.

I have glimpses of wholesome power where I feel like I’m happy in life.

Like nothing could stop me

I felt like the weight of the universe applying 15 lbs per square inch of pressure on my body was holding me together.

It feels like swimming in the air

Taking breaths feels like dancing.

I’m going through a ton of stress, heartache, and pain.

The glimpses of wholesome power and peace are pretty nice. I like them. They make me happy.

I want the process and princess to be more fun though.

I want to have everything in life be a dance.

I don’t feel like deleting my ex girlfriend’s contact record was a dance.

I know that the only reason I’d want to be friends right now is to get revenge by continuing to talk and proving how happy I can be and how she was wrong for leaving me.

I’ve learned a lot about how revenge won’t make me happy.

That didn’t feel like a dance though, it felt like me twisting my ankle.

But I know it was the right thing to do, but it brought on a lot of pain.

Pain I didn’t actually imagine I’d feel.

I’m just not comfortable letting go of things.

On the outside, I look like an adult, but on the inside, I’m a kid just trying to find my mom’s leg to cling onto.

Trying to find that leg to cling onto somewhere out here in the world

It’s never my actual mother now.

It’s the projection of my parents I put onto others.

I think I’ll investigate that projection a little bit right now.

I’m going to use the Tarot:

“Why do I project my parents onto the world?”

“Why have I chosen not to let that projection go?”

Aleph – The Fool

Maybe there is another way of looking at it.

What’s all going on around me.

The Fool sees the world as a game.

Not in the sense of a ‘mere game’ but in the sense of a game that is to be engaged with as one might engage a game.

I’ve always struggled to get invested in games.

There are a few games throughout my life I’ve really gotten into.


Plants vs Zombies



Those games hold super special places in my heart.

But I don’t view waking up in the morning and going into my email inbox and editing videos the same way I view playing Terraria and moving on to grind for resources, build an arena and fight the next monster.

I’ll be dropping out of WordCamp US planning as I won’t have a budget to go this year.

I’ve decided with the company paying for $500 + airfare that I’d still be sinking $1000 into this trip

This one isn’t worth it for me or smoething I’d like to spend my time and money doing in that way.

This is freeing for me to realie these feelings of wanting to drop out

But now I have the task of putting together 1 more meeting for my team

And then planning how I’m going to pass this onto Julia my team lead.

She’s an awesome person. Everone on this project is an awesome person.

I got a position of leadership in this planning super easily and I feel as though I’m missing out on some kind of opportunity by dropping out.

But it’s something I dread working on and also realize now am no longer going to be attending this event.

I really want to go to Portland, but I can go to Portland whenever the hell I want on my own.

The Portland experience I want isn’t going to be the same as what I would be getting at this WordCamp US conference.

I’m happy with that decision.

How can I make that feel like a dance though?

The process of quitting and communication to pass this onto whoever is going to pick up the ball next.

I can view it as a fall

Not being afraid to fall.

I have had a recurring dream since I was about 2 years old where I’m falling into the void

Or I’m falling and hitting the ground and I usually wake up before I hit the ground

Lately this dream has been about space

I’ve been in this void that I don’t know how vast it is and I’m very scared.

The vast world scares me.

I’m not scared about being smothered, but I am very scared about falling into an infinite void.

In the dream I was just jumping from planet to planet.

These planets where close enough where I could jump, fall for about 60 seconds and get to another one of the planets I could see in the distance.

The very scary part for me here was that I didn’t know how far away the planets were

It could be a very small planet close to me or a very big planet very far away

If I mis-timed my jump, I’d realize the fear of falling into the infinite void.

So just jumping from these little planets to each other was what I was doing and I don’t know why.

I was just very scared.

Very high anxiety.

The feeling the fall is a nightmare to me.

It has been my whole life

But I’ve also had experiences where it’s not a nightmare where I surrender and give grace to the world and then I’m okay.

I dropped out of high school

That was a total fall

Total free fall and I was okay

I left my job and that was so scary

That felt like such a freefall

And I’m doing okay 5 months in

I’m able to make my own money and work on my own projects and be okay.

That is sooooo scary to me

I am scared every month that I won’t be able to cover my bills, but I always end up doing alright.

Feels bad, feels anxious, feels good

I’m learning to survive on my own

But I also want to learn to fly on my own where I can have my own business that makes money for me

Where I have assets and courses and memberships and live calls and those things are something I show up to and offer my knowledge, advice, or research into and then make some kind of recurring income by providing resources about questions people had asked to others who join.

The format will be:

  • Someone asks a question on a live call
  • I give them the best answer I can
  • Maybe I’m inspired by that question to make a video or PDF guide
  • I put together that guide, PDF, or maybe a course
  • That asset goes in my membership
  • And the people build the membership in this way
  • The membership is a customer-driven knowledge base.

I haven’t thought about this at scale, but that’s okay because I just want to play around and have some fun.

Maybe I project my parents because I believe that without them I would fall

I’m afraid of falling

And maybe I try and see myself as separate from my parents.

But we are one as a part of the universe and one as a part of a family and genes and whatnot.

I am literally them

I am a human there are other humans

And we are human as other humans

We are animals as other animals

We are living as other living things

We are what is as other things that are what is

The more I have faith that I will do the right thing and I will act out of love

The more I can have faith that I will fall and be okay

I will not stop trying to fall anymore

I will not worry about my leaving WordCamp US planning as a fall

I will view falling as graceful

View falling as a dance

And in that way I can feel into how in my time of falling, I am partners in dance with the universe

I don’t know if I’ll truly feel that way when it comes time to deliver this communication though.

I feel better right now, but not sure how I’ll feel as I actually get into it.

I’ll get into it right now.


After doing some work with it, I feel like my disengagement is caused by just not working on the things I’d like to be working on.

Like I love these people, and organizing is nice

Sometimes stressful, but so is my job

And I like the idea of leading a team and telling a story

When I’m working on this stuff, I feel like, “why do I want to drop out of this? Why don’t I just keep going?”

This state of confusion is why I think I have issues all around here.

I think I might be able to dedicate 1 day per week or something to this and that might be a compromise solution

I might be able to lead the team in this way and not attend WCUS

I still don’t want to invest $1k into this

I know I’m not going to be attending

So now my questions are all around:

Do I stay involved with planning even though I won’t be attending?

Maybe I could communicate this to the people who are organizing and then see what they think.

I’m stuck in taht idea of, “Do I quit planning?”

I do know that I am excited to put the work down.

I’m proud of my work quality and the synergy the team clearly feels when I put effort into that

We seem stress free, we have a timeline, we’re doing our things, we’re on track

I love orchestrating that.

I love trying to put together work for people that doesn’t feel like stress or work

I feel like I’m able to clear the chaos here and that feels really rewarding to spend time with a project and really get organized.

At this point, I’m purely volunteering my time

I feel like I can get more things done for me and my business and clients if I were to put my time into those things.

Getting paid hourly to do so.

It’s like WCUS volunteer is a great option for me in life, but so is the other things I could be doing.

I’ve done so much conscious planning for this that I feel happy with my contribution and that I have really set up some momentum.

And even if the next person comes in and removes all the work I’ve done, I still feel like the fall is worth taking for me.

I still feel like I can summon the dance in the fall as long as I’m conscious with my decisions and not rushing myself.

The mortician tries very hard to prevent the optics of death.

To preserve the body, to hide the body, to prepare a body for cremation.

Our society at large likes to avoid the optics of death.

I do too.

I like to avoid death and loss.

I think the fool is the opposite of the mortician

I was listening to Alan Watts and he was talking about how the fool represents death

For a period in history, the fool with the king in medieval times was the only person allowed to make fun of the king

To remind everyone of mortality and that our decisions do matter

As to not become to stiff and rigid and stuffy.

Death calls us to make choices on the fall.

My ex girlfriend who just dumped me yesterday was a mortician.

Sometime symbolic there about hiding death vs seeing death

She saw a lot of death. I can’t believe how many bodies she was able to cut apart so easily.

That shit is nasty to me. But someone in society needs to do it.

But I think there’s something symbolic I like here about the fool and the mortician dating

And just what that looks like.

I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m angry, but I’m also grateful that I gave someone my heart to break.

That’s another type of fall that I’ve been afraid to dance with for a while.

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