If you haven’t heard of the cart

Get ready

I’ll tell you about it

So there’s this shelf in my apartment where people put free shit and I get so much free shit from it

I call it the cart, but it’s really a shelf, like a big black plastic shelf

I got 2 cans of soup, a purse, and some panties from it today

And I also got a clothes shelf thing

Like a fabric clothes mini closet where I can hang shit

I probably won’t use that

That one seems like something I’ll leave in the box until I get rid of it by putting it back on the shelf

But I did wash the panties before trying them on and they’re too small

That’s a good sign

That means my butt is getting bigger

And I love that shit

That makes me feel so good

Also the tits I ordered are coming in

Like slowly, supposedly 3-6 months after starting HRT they come in, but I’m about 2 months in and I have a small amount now

That shit feels great

That shit feels amazing 

I know I’m doing the right thing

And that’s a confident feeling

That’s a good feeling

An empowering one

I know I’m listening to my heart on that shit and it feels great

Sometimes I take things from the cart that I don’t need

But then I put them back on the cart

I’ll probably throw the panties away and not put them back on the cart

Because who puts that on the cart?

A freak like me

Okay, now for another topic

I’ve been ordering bath products from Lush lately

And I love it

That stuff smells so good

Okay, now for another topic

I cleaned my sheets today in the washer

The Lush hand balm smells like oranges

Fucking amazing

Kate wrote some nice things about me when we were playing this game and those things warm my heart

She wrote:

• I like that you make me genuinely smile
• I like the depth of your eyes
• You have very nice hands to hold
• I like your hair
• You are very funny and fun to talk to

This is very complimentary, so naturally I agree with all of it

But her handwriting is beautiful and you won’t get that through the screen

I wrote some nice things about her as a part of the same game and gave her my card

She hung it on her poster board and I hung mine next to my desk

I look at it everyday

I’m not sure if our relationship will truly last forever

But she makes my heart warm and my therapist said, “why don’t you consider having fun with dating?”

And so I keep that in mind with times like these.

I’m having fun

I’m loving what I’m doing

Maybe that’s all that matters now

Maybe happiness is the path to happiness

And if I come across doubt, then I’ll have to try and find the truth beneath it.

But maybe I don’t need to search for it all the time.

Speaking of the truth, I love cats

Those creatures are the best, I cry when I see them now, they’re so soft and sweet and Kate has 4 of them.

Cats are pretty as hell too.

Sometimes I think putting this babble on the internet is going to put of clients or put off money from coming my way

But I think it will. I think it will avoid opportunities from coming my way that were no good for me in the first place

I think my branding in life and business is about finding the things in life that people don’t look at

Finding the things in WordPress and business that people don’t like to think about

Their wounds

What really makes life good is their pain

Not the solution, but the pain

I think so many people who create products in this world are all about the solution

The gap in the market

The way they can get ahead by producing something

The way they can prove themselves to their families by producing something

And getting approval from others

If people give you money, then you have approval

You can buy cool things and get even more approval

At that point, your family has to give you approval

Everyone else does, so you’re clearly a success

But you’re empty and you hate your life and you don’t want to wake up in the morning

You don’t want to do things the way you’re doing them.

I’m growing to not be like that

I’m growing to post stupid shit on the internet that I love and that will repel people I don’t need and attract those who I do

That will be how I can be myself and whatnot

That will be how I can unlock my power and give others the freedom to do the same or something

I really don’t know

I really don’t know if reading my screed gives others any kind of power

I feel like reading in general doesn’t give anyone any power

But a bunch of smart people disagree with me on that, so maybe that’s good

I guess reading and writing is a way to see into the mind of someone else

You can see into my mind and hear about how I love cats, I love Briar, and I love being depressed.

The trifecta 

The obsession

The inquiry

The transformation

Something like that

My brain is hurt

And there’s things I don’t want to say, but they will be said at some point

I’ll keep resisting until I don’t resist anymore

Until I surrender and have peace

I have a little black owl statue on my desk that looks at me

I try to figure out what it’s thinking, but I think it’s wondering the same

I think it wonders what I’m thinking

I like the way his head is turned, as to inquire and say, “what do you really want?”

That owl always has the right questions

Like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Maybe one day we’ll find out

But only if someone cares enough to do it and I’m sure someone already has figured that out and posted it online.

I’m sure that one is solved, but there’s no reason you couldn’t solve it too

I heard today that stealing ideas is great

I know famous artists talk about this and so I knew it in a logical sense

But now I know it in a sexual sense

Like the fullest sense in my instincts and body

If you’re truly authentic to your style of creation, you’ll do it in your own way.

But you’ll do the same thing

Looking at famous directors stealing things from each other

Taking copies of others work and making it their own is the way they make things great

I love that idea of being yourself at all costs and not worrying about how original or cool you are

I’m learning to do that with my YouTube thumbnails and the next videos will have distinctly Will Middleton thumbnails

That’s what I love in the process of figuring myself out is finding the way to find the thumbnail that Will Middleton would obviously use

It’s like, I’ve been using thumbnail templates that are generic and ones that others would use or others would like, but what about making a company I like

What if I opened my YouTube and wanted to answer the comments for once?

That would be cool

It would be cool for me because I’m happy

And it would be cool for others because they can know what I think and not be ignored

I get so caught up in trying to optimize my shit

Try to optimize my editing, my thumbnail, my other bullshit

Just optimize everything, but it doesn’t lead to a life I’m super happy with.

I know now that I’d rather run a business making $50k/year that I love rather than one making $500k/year that I hate

One that sucks

One that’s stupid

One that makes money by comparison to what others are doing

It’s like, this is my business, it’s not about you

I like that

But I can’t expect to have any customers with that attitude

But I can expect to have fun

I can expect to enjoy what I make

It turns what I make into basically art for just myself

Myself as the only audience member

I think if I choose 1 person in the audience and I make things just for them, then I will be successful because she’ll love it

I’m giving a presentation to the Bakersfield WordPress community Monday and I’m stoked for this shit

I’m stoked because I get to give a business presentation to my girlfriend

I get to be like, look babe, this is my story

I wrote it as a storybook and I think it’s the coolest presentation I’ve ever seen

Definitely the coolest one I’ve ever done

Woot woot