Sometimes I’m staring at my screen, and my mind is blank
I’m clicking on the wrong things
Not working on the right things
Just utterly fucked up and misdirected by my own brain
There must be some shit I’m avoiding
Or some thing I don’t want to do.
I’ve been looking at the same tarot cards for weeks on end now.
Some of the same themes have been hitting me for months.
I ask the same questions and get the same answers.
There’s something in the universe blocking me.
Something in my mind blocking me.
But is that bad?
———————
Being blocked is a sign there’s some sort of resistance in my space
Some sort of reason I don’t want to work on something that I might not see
But what’s pushing it is some sort of desire that I have that isn’t in alignment with what I really want right now.
I always know what to do, but sometimes I hide it from myself.
Sometimes I pretend like I don’t know, but I do know I need rest
I know I need to take a nap for an hour
I know I need to take a nap for 30 minutes.
I know I need to fast
I know I need to do whatever it is.
Today was a day that was hard to fight through in a way
I’ve been thinking about taking responsibility for my decisions
It relates directly to how I have trouble figuring out when I’m overspending or spending money on the wrong things
I think about my spending decisions, and I’m like, “I want this thing, and I can afford this thing, but I don’t know if I’m going to regret this decision later.”
I’ve learned from the genius spiritual people I talk to that it relates to my putting responsibility on my father.
Meaning if I took responsibility for my buying decisions, I would feel what I’m doing to myself with my buying decisions and thus it would be clear whether I want to take responsibly for a purchase or not
It would be clear to me whether I truly want something or not.
If it’s something I ‘want’ or if it’s me playing out some sort of pattern of ‘desire’ and ‘resistance’
Do I want to take responsibility for where I’m at?
Do I want to take responsibility for not knowing?
Do I want to look back on today and say, “I’m happy taking responsibility for the choice to not make any forward progress”
That answer for me today was “no”
That’s the change I want to celebrate today
I feel more like I’m nervous, anxious, or excited.
I don’t know if I’m ready to go all in with life
I don’t know if I’m ready to give things my all
Meaning to complete my card game project, publish my YouTube videos, publish shitty versions of music my friends are happy with.
But I feel like I’m starting to dissolve the bullshit I tell myself as to why it’s not the right time now.
I had a whole rant today about how now is not the right time.
I know that:
- The ‘right time’ doesn’t really exist
- Or that the ‘right time’ is now, the only time we control
- Or that we know when the right time is and I know it’s now.
Whatever way you want to look at it, I feel like I’m fed up of being fed up
Sick of being sick
I’m optimistic about working on shit today. I feel good about what I’ve done today.
That’s the first time I can say that in a while.
I like writing right now
Like writing in this moment at 2:05 am on March 24, 2024
Like I feel good about it
I feel like I’m not worried whether people read this or not.
I’m not worried whether I read it or not
I’m happy doing what I’m doing for the sake of doing it, loving the process.
That shit is awesome, that’s a huge gain
That’s something the GoldenXPR people talk about
I’m not high on weed or alcohol as I used to be when I write
It makes it easier to write and get into the flow of it, but it really just makes resistance dissipate and desire manifest at the expense of my future, because I’m not really going in the direction I want to be going in, I’m instead going in the direction I think I need to go and doing what it takes to get me to go in that direction.
Like a performance enhancer.
Dealing with the truth of what I want and not forcing myself to feel like I’m working on the right thing, when I truly feel like I’m working on the wrong thing.
Good place, I’m happy.