Planning will not make me feel better
I'm afraid to lose a sense of spontaneity that my ego want
I'm afraid I would never reach my goals if I don't work tirelessly

I know that's not true
My shadow is telling me to not do this in a way
I'm averse to thinking about Briar
And also averse to not thinking about Briar

I hate the obsession
Can I love myself and surrender to being her?
Being hurt
And being obsessed with something I need to feel
I don't know why I said "surrender to being her"
That doesn't make any sense, but I noticed how strange that sounds
Maybe what I saw in her was something I want in me
Something no one else could possibly give me.
Maybe I ignore myself
Her ignoring me hurts me
She has what I want
And I think I can learn that
I want obsession and depression
She has that
I want what she has
I can't imagine she still feels any kind of pain in life
I know that can't be true though.
Briar doesn't hurt
That's not true
Will doesn't hurt
That's not true
But what is true?

Tarot: Magician

What are my affairs I need to put in order?

Maybe I do need some time before I put my affairs in order
Maybe I'm not ready to be a good person yet
I wish I could skip to the finish line and be there
To be fulfilled
I feel empty and tired
Only all the time
I fill myself for a moment
Hanging out with friends
Being a bottom and all

But I don't stay filled forever
I feel empty just 1 hour later
I desire to be fulfilled in life
But that's clearly not what I want
Because I can only want what I have

Maybe I'll look back on this time and see it all differently

I look back on the times I was depressed in the past
The whole last 8 years
And I do see it all differently now
I see what was really happening for me then
The growth and change and stories that really happened
I love looking back at that stuff now

I like development and coding because to me it's like a story
Everything that came before in whatever program is being executed is a story
Everything that came before now is relevant
All variables are stored
All public functions can be referenced
All classes exist to group things by theme or chapter
I think coding reveals some levels to storytelling that I haven't used a lot
Sometimes I'm unclear about what I want

I'd ask myself reading this blog post if I do look back on it in the future,
"are you fulfilled?"
Did we get there?
I know if I do feel fulfilled it would be me saying, "you got me here"

I look back on my past self and see someone who is not me
Someone who sacrificed everything to make me who I am today
But I feel like it was a different person
I relate to their struggle and am grateful beyond everything for them
Can I feel that gratitude my future self has for me now?

Investing heavily into therapy and shadow work
Investing in my experience

Will she love me immeasurably for that?
The answer has to be yes

But I'm not her yet
I'm not yet the person who gives love
And I'm not the person who can receive it

Purgatory sucks

The sun is coming up now and the moon of April 30 is gone
It's 8:35 am on the East coast
The new day has already started
I feel detached from it

But not in a negative way
I feel like I survived the night
If I watch the darkness and stay in it, I know it can't hurt me
I hang out in the darkness a lot and I'm most comfortable as a night owl
In the darkness

I have an owl statue who watches me
I love that owl statue
It's just me and him all night
Hanging out
Saying nothing, but watching each other

I know people watch me too
I know the world sees me too
I have yearned for so long for someone to see my work
As I let go of the interest in others seeing it, I feel free to let my unfinished work out.
And then people see it and think it's half alright and that makes me happy.

My fulfillment doesn't last and I end up afraid

I end up lonely

I end up lost and not knowing what I'll do next

I want to be her, the wisdom, the teacher
Maybe that's all I want
If I can actualize that within myself maybe I'll get something out of it
I can't imagine waking up alone and feeling good about my day
I don't feel good going to sleep alone
How could I feel good waking up alone?

Whatever story is being told right now if I ever look back
Whatever code I'm writing that I can't understand right now
I hope she's in it
I don't know who she is
But I want what she has
I want to be her
I want to suffer
I both desire it and have it
Only in this moment
My suffering hurts me most of the time
I want it to end
But I feel the burn of my eyes after getting 6 hours of sleep for 1 week straight
Every day being called to do more things
I desire health and wellness, but what I have is sleeplessness

I hope my writing doesn't feel pretentious later on
I can see how that sentence above can feel pretentious
But it feels real to me now
It feels like it resonates with me now
If it feels pretentious in the future, that means I've grown
If I am cringe now looking back on my life it means I've changed
Avoiding being cringe or embarrassed of my past self is avoiding giving myself to life
in a way that will cause me to change who and how I am.
And change how I think

And change what feels good
I know what feels good can change
I know I get lost from it sometimes
I know laughing makes me feel good
I know games with my friends makes me feel good
I have a lot of nostalgia and trauma
I don't understand the trauma or the nostalgia
They're just there and I suffer from them

I suffer thinking back to times in the past when I had things I wish I had now
Feelings I wish I had now
People I wish I had now
People who would talk to me who I wish talked to me now
Her who would talk to me who I wish talked to me now
I wish people would tell me things insistently
Because I don't have enough compassion to listen
I need to be told in aggressive ways things about my life to think about
But I'm not sensitive to the universe
And I'm not sensitive to my own noticing

Not sensitive to symbolic power
I don't even know at this point what that means
But that shows I'm not sensitive to it

There's meaning in truth
But truth isn't good enough for me
Truth doesn't make me feel good right now
Truth hurts and I'd rather live in a fantasy where I do have fulfillment and her

I love the past versions of me who decided to be cringe
I love the past version of me who decided to do Minecraft YouTube videos
And the past version of me who decided to make WordPress YouTube videos
And the past version of me who decided to write just about one hundred blog posts about 
my obsessions with a woman who rejected me
A woman who in communicating I'm not good enough spiraled me into a whole ass self-discovery

I'm cringe
I'm in pain
I have been in pain for a while
But I lost my sense of being cringe
I'd like to get that back
Cringe is what makes me love the past me
Cringe is what makes me feel averse to looking back on my life
In case I wasn't cool
But there's a warm place in my heart for cringe
I'm attracted to other people who are that
They inspire me to be myself regardless of what others think
Or in the process of trying to please others we can find some interesting parts of ourselves

The last few years have been dedicated to trying to please others
I found some interesting parts of myself
Now maybe it's time to be embarrassing to my future self
To give my future self some explaining to do
As to what the living fuck happened and why I did that
I laughed for the first time about this whole obsession shit in the mirror yesterday
Like OMG what the fuck 
That was crazy
But crazy in a good way
Crazy in like I feel more connected to the universe kind of way
I feel like I figured out who I am after being lost my whole life kind of way

I'm a pretty crazy-ass pathetic kind of individual in that way
But maybe we all are and we neglect to feel into it
Never mind, not to put that on anyone else, I'm crazy and it's fine if I'm the only one
That statement makes me feel great
That statement makes me feel like I can be ordinary but be myself and be okay with that
Whether ordinary or not
I bet I won't be ordinary
But maybe I will
When I say crazy shit like the shit I say publicly now, I feel like I won't end up being too boring
That's what I don't want to be is boring
I want to smile all the time
Laugh all the time

I want it to be a party over here in my head
Nobody else has to see it or join, but I know that's who I want to be
When I make myself laugh is the moments where I see my life coming together a bit
God damn, it's 6 am, I'm going to get no fucking sleep.