May 19, 2024

2:51 am

I want you to peg me so hard I forget my own name

Something in her voice shocks my spine

I’m feeling frozen

I’m from Minnesota and I like the cold

She’s cold as fuck 

I’m cold as fuck writing this right now.

Outside in a small dress and it’s 46 degrees F

I feel great

I feel better than I have in a while

I like nature, I like the smell, I like the cold

I ignore my own nature and nature a lot

Somewhere when I was young I learned to put my faith in others to provide food for me instead of believing in surrender and myself.

As a little little kid, I remember having the sense of smell that I got back today.

I don’t drink enough water consistently

I don’t follow my own heart consistently

I lead into the ego and stress all the time

And I just want to surrender and let go

I feel like a few parts of my life are telling me that right now.

I want to fall into the ability to surrender to what my life is, has been, and is going to be.

It’s so hard for me not to play control games and try to control it all the time.

It’s so hard for me to allow my imperfections to live for today.

I want to cover them up with makeup

I want to cover them up with fake-ness

I’m sick of wanting that.

I think I want to start getting something else now.

This is a note I wrote to myself on November 11, 2022:

“List of why I’ll move on December 2023

Not compatible with my sleep schedule

Slack arguments with CTO

Clockify time restrictions are a pain in the ass

Elegant rocket ninja monsters 

I identified back in November of 2022 that I was upset with how things were going.

I had known for a while I wanted to leave my job and move onto something else.

There was some point along the line where I lost the passion for waking up in the morning and things I did.

I knew that would happen the second I got the job.

I knew the moment the CEO told me I would have to wake up everyday before 10 am for the meeting, that this wasn’t going to be something for me long term.

I decided to take the experience for a few years and have accelerated money and networking to boost my career and learn new skills.

I learned so many new skills

I learned so much good stuff.

More importantly than anything, is that I learned the skill that I could do it.

That I could manage people. Not very well

But that I could do it.

That I could make it in the real world

I had so many opportunities to travel in my job

I went to Washington DC, Europe, Asia, San Diego, I was able to establish a bond with the people I worked with.

We became more like family because we were all having such a good time.

I’ll remember forever the first moments when I met these guys and gals in person.

God damn that was a special moment when they pulled up to the airport and Kurt jumped out of the truck to hug me.

It felt like a long time coming I’d get to bond with these people on an in-person level.

We spent way too much money and now the company is going in a more corporate direction with employees and processes are becoming a lot more boring. People are leaving.

It feels like the family is falling apart.

That hurts

It feels like the crew from the good old days that I made a lego set out of all of us.

We had a dream then. We all wanted to be entrepreneurs or working from home or something.

Just finding out how we’d all get along.

I sort of fell into all of that as a matter of my own ego telling me that happiness was on the other side.

I had a lot of happiness along the way, but also a lot of ego and depression and anxiety.

I think it’s hard to phrase to people just exactly how the world feels out of your control even though so many people know that anxiety, they might not be able to communicate to us what it’s about or how to get out of it if we want to.

I followed my ego for a while.

Trying to prove I could do shit to others.

Trying to prove I could work at home

Trying to prove I could be an entrepreneur

Trying to prove I could be a developer

Trying to prove I don’t need my company’s help to get me to where I want to go in life.

So much to prove. So little time to feel happy.

There were happy times. But I feel there could have been more wholesome ones too that I missed because I was blinded by loss, I couldn’t be grateful for what happened at the time.

I’m sad now

I’m trying to feel into my feelings now

I’m trying to find what group of people I’ll get involved with next

I feel like I’m at a big shifting point in my career

I don’t know what I’ll do next

I don’t know that at all

I know I can follow my heart and I’ll get there in spectacular fashion

And that’s what I want to start doing.

It’s hard to end relationships. It’s hard to quit. It’s hard to let people go.

It’s hard to go out on my own and figure shit out.

It’s very hard and it hurts.

But it’s what I feel I have to do because there’s not a great alternative.

I’m deep into BDSM but I don’t know exactly what it’s all about. The more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know.

I feel like I’m coming out of the dunning-Kruger effect where I’m like, “shit, I really don’t know that much”

But do I know enough to be functional?

Like to functionally work towards my dreams?

Absolutely – I think at any point, we have what it takes to figure out what our heart tells us to do next.

I feel that.

I think it’s just hard to distinguish with all the noise sometimes that I can’t hear myself think most of the time.

Between my ego, my heart, and others telling me what to do from either their ego or heart.

It’s noisy and I make the right choice only some of the time.

I want to make that right choice 100% of the time.

I want to be like, “damn, I know what I’m going to do today”

I desire a romantic relationship that meets my needs and whatnot, but to have that, I realize I don’t really know what I need.

It’s like when it’s time for me to say what I need, I’m locked up

It could come down to more practice dating and having my heart broken.

Or it could maybe be something I could figure out sooner rather than later, I’d love that.

I’m just at a point where I know what I need to do and I don’t do it.

There might be something here or in my space I don’t understand and I’d like to figure out what that is.

I want to be happy.

I want to find a relationship(s) that work for me

I want to build a life I wake up and look forward to living for today

Not for sacrificing today to make a better future

But for making everything better as I breathe.

I feel like I can’t have my cake and eat it too. 

We’ll see what I struggle with as I try and come to that turnaround

For now, I look forward to snoozing my heart through my actions.

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I talk in inappropriate ways about inappropriate things