May 23, 2024

6:04 pm

I want to, but I can’t right now

If you want to but you can’t your whole life, you’ll never get to a place you want to be at.

Because you want to but you can’t.

And that will always be true.

I want to get to a point where I want to and I do.

I know I truly want it because it is what I’m doing.

I think there’s some kind of buy in that needs to be had that I’m not where I desire to be at in life and I feel the pain of misusing my power and I want to take that to a deeper level.

I want peace.

I’m grateful and fortunate enough to spend time with those who find peace. Those who have peace

I want that peace

I want that feeling of enough

I’m stuck in my own messes that I’m working my way out of.

Sometimes walking away from it all feels easier.

If I were to walk away from all worldly possessions and go on some kind of 10 year spiritual quest

But I know that’s not what my heart tells me to do

My heart tells me to stay and figure this out

Remove myself from some things and feel into other things more intensely

I’m beyond grateful for traveling and just how much of it I got to do.

But now it’s time for me to sit and watch the world

Sit and look at the world

I’m burnt out and I want to spend more time slowing down and observing myself and nature.

3 years ago, I never thought I would ever say that

I didn’t believe there was any power in sitting around idle

Sitting and observing.

I’ve become so busy and overwhelmed that I can’t hear myself think

And that’s exactly what I wanted to happen, because that’s what I did.

I worry about being amateur

But now I worry more about not taking the time to have an emotional crisis now.

I think that if I believe money is my problem

And then I believe relationships are my problem

Then I believe investments are my problem

I always look at the external world as if it is the problem and the solution.

The problem is something outside of me and the solution is something outside of me

I know people who have the money, the wife, and the everything that I want

But those people are lost too

Just as lost as I am

The money begins to feel meaningless, the relations with the wife suffer, things fall apart and we have our own emotional crisis

Everything in life breaks down

And if we try to prevent that death, we will fail, and we will suffer as we weren’t able to be enough to prevent it.

If we can allow things to die

Interests to die, egos to die, people to die

Then we can be what we are in the moment

We can be present.

I like that sense of presence

I like that sense that I’m building something that will work for both me and others

And I’m scared as fuck

I’m so scared, I don’t have faith in the future

I don’t have faith that my heart will lead me in the right direction

My ego is having a panic attack inside, but I am flexing the muscle of the heart and being present through the experiences I have every day and I’m grateful to have resources at my disposal to feel into how I can become present.

I sometimes feel lost

But I sometimes feel as though I’m found

That I know what I’m doing is right

The ego and snake beliefs are a huge monster I haven’t yet removed from my life to truly be enlightened

I’m probably far from it, but I feel presence in a way I feel like I would have lost otherwise.

I feel if I had decided to stay married to my ego longer, I would have suffered so much longer

I still feel suffering now, but in the past, I refused to be present with my pain and I suffered greatly

Now I’m digging through all the crap and emotional baggage to come to a functional life where I can authentically create what I feel into the universe and be present with all my feelings at the same time.

I know this will feel easier 10 years down the line

I know 10 years down the line, I’ll be grateful for my struggle today

But 10 years down the line doesn’t exist and already exists, so it is now in the present where I’d feel grateful for my struggle and really get the sense of enough from that.

I want to be able to say words and have them mean exactly what I’m thinking.

I want to be able to not have this feeling others will judge me and for me to act some kind of way about that.

Either trying to impress them or trying to put them down.

I want to be symbolic power rather than individual power or power of many

Taking that time to notice things in life and step back from the greater community

I see through my results, that I’m able to figure things out and survive fine

But I do still worry

I do still have worry visit me

I’m not sure if it’s the heart/ego or both, but I think in the process of trying to come to an enlightenment, I’m going through this time of:

My heart telling me that I’m doing the wrong thing. Because I’m now listening to my heart and have to deal with the truth of what I truly desire and how that conflicts with what I have.

And then I decide to follow the heart and then my ego is telling me I’m doing the wrong thing.

So both my heart and ego are telling me I’m doing the wrong thing.

And that feeling of knowing I’m moving towards something I need for my life while at the same time my heart and ego are yelling STOP is just crazy to me.

I wish enlightenment was just flipping a switch in the physical world

Like a light switch

But I think it’s different than that.

I’m thinking out loud, but I think it’s something like flipping a switch in the space between the heart, the mind, the body, and the soul.

There’s a space that you can only see when you close your eyes that lies in between everything we see in the physical world.

Seeing into ourselves in a way that gives us the power to understand what we do truly want.

I wish this shit was taught in school

I wish I had this kind of ideas around introspection and understanding peace within myself and I wish everyone else did too so I’d have more people to talk to about it.

Until it’s integrated into the public school system and I’m able to live a life as another person growing up, I’m going to try and find it now for myself and create some kind of trail so I can see my own journey.

I love writing these blog posts so much

That’s one of those things I feel from the heart

I don’t have to force myself to do this in any way

It just comes through me

I’m like, “I have some shit I need to write down”

And I feel like a preachy person with one of those paid article services where you subscribe

Substack – that’s what it’s called

So an Indian lady called me on the phone just now to let me know my payment had been received for a product I bought

I buy from these vendors a lot

And every time I buy something they call me and tell me my payment was received and the order was shipped

I already know this

I’ve seen the emails and credit card statements

But they call every time

And this used to annoy me because I was like, “why do you need to call me about this? To tell me everything is okay. Like call me if somethign is wrong.”

This is a judgement about the external world where I don’t see the value or appreciate what someone else is doing.

I’m being a judgmental little asshole

But maybe if we lay out my judgements, I’ll be able to see more clearly into them.

“These people should only contact me when something is wrong”

I think that I could learn from that to reach out to others when something is not wrong.

My mom would reach out to me when she has a question or when she has a task she needs help with

So all of our interactions became “I need something” “can you help me with this”

And I changed that by taking her out to eat once per week when I’m in town

And we’re able to talk about things that are not problems

We’re just hanging out because that’s what we want to do

That was a wholesome move and I’m very happy with it

But I project my mom onto others in the world, like the people calling me to tell me my order is doing just fine.

And maybe I have an opportunity here to see myself getting bothered and change something in my relationship with others.

It would bother me that my mom would only reach out to me on matters of business or tasks.

It now bothers me that the online retailer reaches out to me whenever the fuck they want just to tell me everything is good.

It feels in a way the opposite problem, but it reveals maybe I still have an interest in only talking to people on matters of questions, interesting things, or business.

What would happen if I were to reach out to others for trivial shit?

Like just to chat or catch up

In a way where I’m genuinely interested rather than doing it just to try and be nice.

I feel like I could do that and it would bring me some peace.

There’s something there for me to unlock and I don’t know what that is yet, but that’s okay.

I’ll continue to snooze my priority to genuinely connect with others

But try to be present in snoozing my priority and paying attention to how I feel.

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I talk in inappropriate ways about inappropriate things