I so so so so so so badly want my gf to go to the BDSM thing with me on Friday

I’m so so so so so so excited about it

I read all the rules and everything on their website

I read all the terms and conditions and information and schedule

Like I’m all the fuck in on this

And I want my life to become this

I want this to be my life

I want this to be the life we share like ‘our life’

And I think that I want it on a level of action

Where we actually do it instead of talk about it once every 2 weeks

For a long time I decided that I would ignore my emotions with this because I get into a high vibration mindset where I feel uncomfortable and shy

But like this is something I’ve now projected onto others for long enough and I feel the motion in my life on a higher level to get this done now

To just go out there and engage with this sexual development part of my life that I haven’t engaged with up to this point

I know who I want to be now

I know what I want to do now

I know where I want to go now

And I don’t want to wait a day any longer before that starts to happen.

I’m ready for change my heart and body are at a vibration now that indicates it’s time for me to change and no longer be on the fence about it anymore.

I feel empowered, excited, and I look forward to the future.

That’s the first time I’ve felt that way in a while.

All of these thoughts stem from an abandonment trauma from when I was young.

Manifesting now in my relationship as I feel detached from my partner.

But understanding the trauma and the feelings and the resolution doesn’t help me change what I truly want

The action that truly feels right is to be hurt by this in the ways I am

Where I change my background image and don’t pay attention to notifications the way I used to.

That leads to downfall of relationships instead of building them up

For some reason the logical solution that would lead to a ‘building’ is not what I want to do here

This is where in life I feel the ‘higher want’ coming through me for the vision for my life I don’t yet see.

The bigger vision for what I want to do

It feels wrong to destroy what I have now because the ego so badly wants to protect that

But the heart is now telling me that it doesn’t matter exactly what the trauma is or connecting feelings because any logical solution to this problem of feeling abandoned won’t change the reason you want to make it a problem in the first place.

Why I want to make it a problem in the first place is an indication that I don’t currently have what I truly want and thus I want to destroy something I currently ‘want’ or have in my life. Even though that thing (the relationship) brings me joy.

I had this long discussion with someone helping me work through this and his solution was to think about connecting feelings with her

So basically she can understand how I’m hurt due to something not to do with her, but I’d appreciate more communication of what’s happening than disappearing for days and not responding.

And then I could connect with her feelings of what she’s been going through.

We both gain empathy and understanding for one another and resolve this to move forward where we are better off emotionally interacting with each other.

But I don’t feel that’s what my actions are going to be

My compulsions and actions are going a different way

My friend who was advising me on this told me that, our emotions are valid, but our reactions to our emotions are separate from our emotions.

I don’t view it this way at all

I used to. I used to think I could feel my emotions then do something different

Feel the hurt, be hurt, get over the hurt.

But I think that suppressed myself from my life never really reflecting in my actions the emotions I felt

I suppressed myself for a long time going down that road.

I had 99% of what I want in life with a job, kind of relationships, and a car and kitty

But I didn’t have something. A missing 1%

So now I’m trying to find a 100% solution here from a more time-tested XPR Mystery School style teaching and I’m finding it and making lots of progress.

I’m super happy with the work I do with these people and am beyond grateful for their presence in my life.

I want my emotions and actions to align.

I want to be one with the universe in a way of no thinking

Just intuition

Allowing my intuition to develop, fail, learn, and allow me to become one with everything when I re-integrate with the universe of dying and whatnot.

I want my intuitive power to carry forward after death

In my tutorials of creating content to help people

In my courses of helping people learn to build websites and do what they want to do

My intuitive power can be in videos like that – and those videos can outlast my body for a long time.

I love listening to Alan Watts

He’s dead, but I love his speeches

His words touch my heart in new ways today even though he’s been dead for 50 years

I want that kind of power and I feel that power going through me

I want to expand what I do to a level where more impact can come from it.

That excites me

Something about BDSM lifestyle and pulling me in that direction regardless of what other people think is intuitively driving me there.

I posted on Twitter today about ‘that moment when you screenshare and your client sees your downloads folder’

I thought it was a cute thought and my friend from Georgia direct messaged me

He was like, “what did you show?!?”

And I was like, “just pinup pictures of me, nothing too crazy”

His response was “oof”

Kind of like, “damn, I bet we all wish that didn’t happen”

But I loved that it happened

And the client loved that it happened.

She was like, “now I have questions :D”

And I was embarrassed because I didn’t know what she saw

But she wanted to know what color of lipstick I was wearing dressed up like a woman in that way

Our bond deepened in that moment

And this is someone I don’t believe I’ve met before and may never meet again

This client is a big website that passes me around from person to person in their organization to help them with various website activities.

I’m like the ‘WordPress person’ for their company

When my friend is thinking that I think this is bad and others would think it’s bad, I think he’s thinking of a work culture we’ve had to this point in time.

A work culture that your job is serious. Very serious. It’s not about fun. It’s about money.

I think this culture is shifting.

I think people value smiling at work.

Will’s crazy downloads folder in this scenario

(I’m not saying all scenarios of what’s in the downloads folder are good for the workplace, because it can be problematic)

But in this case it was a moment in everyone’s days where we smiled

We smiled at our jobs and had fun for a moment

And not like a fake, “hi nice to meet you. I agree with you” kind of smile

Like a smile that comes from your soul into existence in a flash

In a way you can’t control

The kind of smile that cracks into existence like lightening before you can stop it.

That shit inspires me to not be more crazy, but to be more me. And not be worried about hiding it.

I also think that I don’t know what I want my life to look like 10 years down the line

I’m comfortable thinking about what it was like in the past and the present

But when I think about the future, it’s like TV static. Just no vision, emotion, or any sensation there.

Something I try not to think about

But I don’t need to think about it

I think I just need to follow my heart and it will show me the future

Noticing that future is not a matter of the ego contradicting things I want then manipulating the world to get them, but maybe instead it’s noticing what’s coming up for me in life

What’s coming up in my emotions and the world around me

Someone told me today about a scientific principle where matter comes from a field rather than a field coming from matter

I am matter and the field, but I view my life and my situation as the matter

So if I’m the matter side of things, then I need to really hone in on noticing what’s going on in the field

Not trying to force my own agenda, but the art and practice of ‘noticing’ what happens as I interact with other matter in the field

Then I’m more empowered to be in alignment with reality, be less disappointed that I don’t get what I want, and just not be depressed about where I’m at in life and feel good about following my heart moving forward.

So much so that I now have a BDSM vision for my future. Also a future that involves changing the culture of the workplace in some capacity for some people. Also a vision of talking not just about the concrete things you need to be successful in business, but the abstract things that led us to this point in life.

Why do we want to start a business? Who are we to teach an online course? How do we think about who we are? What do we believe about our own transformation as a person that might be a lie?

I love questions like that

I think about questions like that all the time

I give one billion shits about ethics and all kinds of things

It breaks my heart when immoral stuff happens

Like people getting murdered and stuff

Or disabled kids or adults not feeling like they can get ahead and quitting.

I know that heartbreak and feeling of quitting and I understand it’s a part of others lives in much more heavy ways than my life.

But I’ve felt that despair intensely

I’ve felt despair maybe not related to the exact same situations, but I’ve felt similar and despair in other ways and I can see how what they’re going through. What others go through leads to the same hurt and despair I have.

So I feel into that. It breaks my fucking heart.

I want Medicare for all and therapy that doesn’t feel in any way scary for people financially

I feel everyone should be able to talk to a therapist and not feel like it’s going to be a burden on finances.

But I believe that our political system and taxes on rich and whatnot would need to change to support that

And that’s not changing

Not changing very fast

So what am I going to do to try and create the world I want to see within the confines of what I have right now at my disposal

I think doing what I love, writing what I love, sharing it with people I love, and growing an intuitive feeling for who I am and what it means to be human in 2020-2060 will be the vision I’m working on for my career.

I can feel into that future with a sense of fulfillment in a way I couldn’t before.

That future ties into exactly what I’m working on today responding to emails about WordPress but it also ties into who I am as a person and how I like to deeply think about the things we do and why we do them.

The psychology and shadow work side of things in addition to the technical side of things

Two sides of the same coin. That feels strong

That vision motivates me

I slept for 4.5 hours last night and I don’t feel tired

This is a common thing for me

I’m so obsessed with this I feel a drive to excel at it

Have more discussions, meet more people, write more things, do things I’ve previously avoided doing because my ego would not like it.

I hate thinking that other people might not perceive me favorably

That hurts me really bad

But I can’t control that and if I’m truly leading from the heart and using the wholesome power, then there’s no way I could misuse my power and thus need to use kindness to apologize for a power misuse.

I believe I do misuse my power in ways today. Like in May 2024 I misuse my power in ways

But not in ways nearly as strong as what I used to

I think I’m at the best place in my life I’ve ever been

Even though I want things to get better from here, I want to build on an understanding of the past that doesn’t take for granted I have now by pretending the only thing that matters is what’s next.

What happened before is super important for me to see how I’m growing into the future.

Or to more fully realize my form as a 4-dimensional figure if you like thinking of time as a 4th dimension.

From that perspective of “4 dimensions”, That’s really all it’s about – is realizing my figure as a being in this existence. Just about figuring out who I am so that I can convey my shape to others who may want to be around me.

I love geometry – not like how it was taught in school with boring quizzes and whatnot, but that’s fundamental to work I’m doing now. But it was very boring

But I’m learning geometry in a new way as it applies to other things like cycles.

Days could be geometric if we look at it form the perspective of a day cycle

A week could be geometric as a cycle of 7 days, like a 7-sided shape

Or a seed of life kind of image with a circle in middle and 6 circles around it.

The people I mentioned earlier about XPR and Mystery School are teaching me all about this type of thing

Not only how that geometry relates to cycles of physical properties like days and weeks or months, but it can also align with emotional things like relationships. Maybe how triangles are load bearing shapes with 3 points and relationships could be each person being a point in this overall shape. Geometric principles could help us figure out what’s going on with perspectives we haven’t seen maybe.

Also it applies to language, colors, neural connections, series of feelings, patterns of belief, and probably more I can’t think of.

Concepts can apply to a lot of scenarios and geometry isn’t the only way to understand it.

You could use language and how it was sourced as a communication method and how things like fungus communicate with one another all the way up to how computers do it and how humans do it with different spoken or written languages.

If you like language, maybe geometry wouldn’t be the way to find truth or synchronicity for you, maybe it would be through sourcing how we think and communicate the way that we do. And the way others do.

Maybe if you like Tarot cards, you could use that as your tool instead of language or geometry.

I think there are so many deep fields of study and religions and whatnot you could choose to use to find your way to where you want to be through critically thinking about things as it compares to a system based on universal principles.

I think there’s a lot of opportunity to be misguided.

I think it’s a new field of study for us in the bigger picture even though this is something with thousands of years of work that we’re building off of.

There’s still so much more to figure out like with science and self fulfillment and ethics.

So much to figure out. Whatever way your heart calls you to dive deeper is what you should do in the moment.

Trying to differentiate what feelings are sourced from the ego vs the heart is a method to figure out if you’re following a pattern of resistance and desire. Or if you’re in a pattern of feeling a higher good within yourself that doesn’t apply to trying to fix others, but instead feel yourself. And in learning yourself, also learning others

In coming to peace with yourself, coming to peace with others.

In thinking about yourself, thinking about others.

Becoming one with everything by viewing the problems that exist between the heart and the ego as two sides of the same coin.

That allows you to be empowered to be one with what is and thus get more of that fulfilling feeling of what we all want.

Not what we want for others to change. Not for me to not feel alone at night. But for me to vision my future of getting involved more with BDSM this Friday by going to a new space, by seeing my future as it relates to my heart and values at work, and becoming integrated with life and others by putting my thoughts out there.

That’s what it feels like for me right now. The heart can guide me moment to moment, so that could change. Any of that could change. But for now, I can see my life 10 years from now. That’s new to me. That’s new from just yesterday.

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