About the value and product of putting real work into things

I don’t know what my life’s work will be

I’m just for the first time in my life choosing a project to work on for myself and putting days and weeks of work into it

For me it’s a card game

Designing the rules, designing the cards, and art

I’m excited to have something my friends can play with

I’ll literally be immortalized in that game

Part of my story will be immortalized in that game

I don’t feel great not having my story told in some way

If I died tomorrow I think I’d be leaving something on the table

I want to get closer to the feeling of truly leaving a mark

And making sure my mark will be felt by all when I’m gone

This card game I’m designing is about cats

My moms cats she has now and over the years

My mom is in the game and I’m also in the game

I developed an expansion set too with my brother Zack in it

When I was young and Zack died, my mom told me that Zack was in heaven, he got his wings

I remember that conversation at the hospital with her

And I said “just like a dragon”

And she said absolutely, just like a dragon

And so she ended up getting me a bunch of dragon toys throughout my childhood

Little figurines, keychains, and anything dragon related

She meanwhile became obsessed with angles

She had tens of angel statues big ones for outside, mini ones for a desk, and medium sized angels you’d put on the mantle

The expansion to my card game about me, my mom, and cats, is called the Angels & Dragons expansion

That will add onto the game new cards and have Zack featured as a playable card

People who play that game might not know that story

But the story lends greatly to my ability to put the game together

I can feel the texture of the cards and texture of the gameplay as I build it

I know it’s right

Sometimes I work on a project and I think to myself “why am I working on this? What is my goal? What am I doing here?”

I feel lost

But when I’m working on that game I know 100% I’m happy with my work

I’m happy with the story I’m putting together

That feels good to have that kind of faith in a project

I’ve been approached multiple times this year about partnering and confounding “billion dollar businesses” by multiple different people

What they’re working on is cool

I’m happy to lend my advice and get in in a bigger way if it’s a right fit

I used to be attracted to the prospect of owning a business because Lifter wouldn’t give me any steak in that

But I feel like it’s wrong in these circumstances.

It just hasn’t felt right to me yet

Maybe one day in the future we’ll find some detail or concept that will inspire me, but so far I don’t see the movement in my soul

The same movement in my soul I feel with the card game rooted in my history and who I am

I’ve been making riddles for my friends to guess the theme of my magic the gathering deck

And it’s been super fun

Even inspiring one of my friends to make a secret theme deck himself

That feels good to watch my friends light up as they try and solve the riddle and then try to hint others along enthusiastically as they try and solve it

It feels like I created something that transcends me

That riddle and deck will exist when I’m dead

People will feel my presence when I’m dead through that little game

And through the card game I’m building now

I often wondered how I could build a world for myself and others that I loved

Maybe by building tech solutions that would help them with the questions they ask

Maybe by talking to them and being myself unapologetically to give them permission to do the same

But I’m thinking that I’m starting to learn how to channel that energy into physical products

Products people can feel a positive experience when interacting with

In terms of a game

In terms of anything I guess

I have like 4 of these card games in my mind in concept/draft mode i Canva’s photo editor

And 1 really in the pipeline I’ve been working on for about 40 hours now

I hope this product makes my friends smile

I hope when I’m dead someone discovers this game and lights up

Someone far away

Who I didn’t know and will never know who doesn’t know me

But the feel joy playing the game

That would be nice

3:01 am 

Standing on a freezing balcony of an apartment over a grocery store on the west coast

Good morning Monday

1 month and 2 days sober