I’m out here in [insert big city name] now

I’m experiencing some interesting emotions.

Emotions I’ve pushed down for years and that I forgot I even had.

I’m doing meal prep, making pasta, rice, mashed potatoes, and some other things I can east fast throughout the week.

There’s a lot of pre work that goes into meal prep

You have to choose what meals you’ll eat at the start of the week and go through the cooking time and effort to put together 20+ meals

I’m not doing all that today, but I’m planning out what that would look like and prepping my meals for tomorrow.

I’ve ordered some food in bulk so I’ll get a good price on that.

Life and perspective is feeling strange to me as I get into meal prepping and planning what my days this week will look like.

At least planning the food for the week

For about a year now, I’ve been eating what I can find when I’m hungry

Not having food stored and whatnot planned for the future

I’m not sure if it’s a part of growing up or something, but the feeling of time is changing for me now.

I feel slower than I was before

Like last year and the years prior, I moved super fast

I thought super fast too. I felt like a hummingbird or mosquito moving 100 miles per hour.

I feel slower

But not necessarily in a bad way

In a peaceful way.

Which is really strange for me because I’m used to moving fast, and not being very peaceful.

A lot of depression and negative feelings arise and suppress in that process of moving super fast.

But I feel a wave of focus coming on in my life

I used to be super focused as a kid

I knew who I was and what I wanted to do

I didn’t always do it all the time because I had so many grades and activities to keep up with.

But as I figure out who I am, I feel like things are changing

We’re coming into spring now

But I feel like autumn inside

Like a dying and rebirth can happen now

My torso feels like a campfire

Slowly burning at a steady pace as I add firewood to it

I think there’s on perspective where you only see love or suffering in the universe

Someone might be suffering and they make others suffer too

I don’t know if there’s a right or wrong about other people’s actions

I can say that I would not like to see myself doing something somebody else might do

I would say I’d feel wrong about that

But I think it’s within them whether they feel right or wrong about it

I think from the outside looking into someone else, I can either feel love or suffering

Not love in the sense of “oh I love that! That’s great”

I’m talking about love in the sense of seeing another person

You are me and I am you

Your suffering brings me sadness for you and others

That kind of love

It’s like viewing a tragedy rather than a crime

It feels like a slow ember burning in the stomach

Violence can get you everything you want except for love

Suffering can get you everything you want except for peace

There’s some people you just know you would have met no matter what.

In any timeline

Like my friends from Georgia

Logan told me it feels like he’s known me his whole life

That’s because I think he did

We were childhood friends in the universe where my mom never left Georgia

We realistically would have actually met at the same card store in Marietta and become friends

Whether I grew up in Georgia or I meet Brien at a game store 20 years later, I’ll end up in the same basement, hanging with the same dudes.

Those guys paths and mine were going to cross.

That’s what I’d like to think.

Just someone I would have met no matter the timeline

No matter how things shaped out

Those people feel predestined

…

I like to think I have control in life

When I was moving at 100 miles per hour the last few years from place to place, meeting new people, I don’t think I had done anything wrong

Pushing myself and being stressed wasn’t very good for me

But that’s what I learned in the process

Possibly I would have met these people no matter what

Just in a different way

I think people I’ve put off in life are people who would have had the same impact on me in other lives, but maybe through different means

Maybe instead of learning a lesson about love at age 21, I learn the lesson at 34 in another life, but with the same person

Could be something cool like that

And maybe the process of acting mature isn’t the process of becoming more mature

Maybe to become mature, you must feel the immaturity

I’m sitting in front of a window now as I write this and the smell of the fresh air outside is really nice

This is possibly the first time in my life I’ve had that thought without being high

I’ve always been in a rush

Or had to get drunk to slow down

Forcing the dance with life isn’t something I think I really want to do anymore

As I give up a sense of control I get more peace

As I get more peace, I give up more sense of control

It’s like a leaf isn’t he wind moving down from a tree it feel off of

I’m not always going in the right direction, but I’m moving to the direction I’m meant to go.

That shit feels scary

Knowing that I’m meant to go in a certain direction

Not in a pre-deterministic way necessarily

But just in a way of knowing I can’t control everything

And that most of the things that will happen to me and for me will be by others who I can’t control.

I wish I could control everything and that way I could make it good

Make it what I think is good

But I look back on things sometimes and love the sense of not being in control and how much richness those experiences added to my life.

I’m on the west coast now

Far from home

I’m sleep deprived because I only got about 5 hours of sleep last night

I’m not sure when I’ll say that “now” is the point in my life when I have it all

But I look back a lot and see that 3 years ago, I really did have it all

I had presence

And with that presence was able to express myself and make an impact on others based on that.

I’m very afraid of being ordinary

I’m very afraid of having a normal job

My life has been running away

Running away from poverty

But never escaping the feeling of scarcity

Even when I thought I had escaped scarcity because I wasn’t always afraid anymore

My fear had just transferred to something else and I still had the impact of scarcity in my life

In the process of growing as a person, I want peace

In the process of living my life day to day, I’m getting more peace

I don’t know if there is such a thing as more peace or less peace

I think there might just be peace or no peace

So maybe it’s not that I’m getting more peace, but rather that I’m coming to peace

That feels sick as fuck honestly

Like being 22 and feeling like I might just about have peace before 25

I think people search for their whole lives sometimes and never find peace

I don’t have a lot of money though

I don’t know if peace is about money though

I think it’s not 

I think peace has more to do with knowing yourself and being yourself

My life up to this point has mostly been about accomplishments, not about knowing myself and being myself

But rather being the person others want me to be

That required a lot of guessing on my part of what others wanted

And then how I could be that

I was just imitating though, but I learned in the process

Overall that whole process had a lot of growth for me

I met great people and did great things

But I was depressed the whole time

I was pushing down my emotions in favor of surviving 

And believing that in order to survive, I need to be someone who is not me

Sad life, sad time

Even though what I was doing was epic

Traveling to Greece and Spain and Berlin and Washington DC and San Diego

Going on yachts and stuff

Private parties

But I wasn’t happy with myself

I think in the next 8 months I can get happy with myself

I think with all the work I’m doing with my therapist and my life coach I’m getting to a place where I can more effectively do the cool shit I want to do.