Tarot: High Priestess

I’m afraid to lose my money to not get money
I’m afraid to feel into the intensity and meaning of my obsessions
I’m afraid if I asked the Universe day over day what was in store for me, it wouldn’t be Briar.
I do not want Briar
I wish to understand why I truly don’t want her

Tarot: Justice

My reacting to being judged has me turn into the thing people judged me not to be good enough at.
With my dad for example, I’m not man enough, I become a top-dog kind of person. When that isn’t me.
That isn’t my true personality, so I’m chasing my ego. I’m forgetting to find myself.

If Briar judges me for not being cool enough
Or for not being enough – not something she said, but simply the nature of not wanting to be with me
I try to be enough
I try to become enough
So much of enough from an outside ego perspective that I’m nothing on the inside
Have a better job, be a better skilled person, have those skills be so good that it permiates
into her life and there’s no way she could see that I’m not enough.
But in doing that I am not enough.

Can I release myself from my reactions to being judged?

Tarot: High Priestess

Great, back to this.
I’m afraid to lose her
And so I lose her
I’m afraid to be judged for not being enough
And so I am not enough
When I’m not enough, I need her
Thus I’m afraid to lose her
Repeat the cycle

How do I break this cycle?

Tarot – High Priestess

God fucking damnit.
Why am I working so hard at proving myself?
I work super hard at proving myself
I work so hard at proving myself so I don’t have to be judged.
If I had to feel the judgement I would feel like I’m never enough
I know that can be found within me, but I want external validation

How can I lose that sense of external validation if that’s what I need to do?
How do I align to symbolic power?

The Emperor

Why snake beliefs? Why have them at all?
Why can’t I become close to “God”?
Why can’t I just summon the childlike innocence?
I know I had it before.
I feel what it felt like to have that power as a young person.
But why can’t I get back to it now?

I believed everyone was on my side when I was young.
I believed there was no one who would hurt me.
Once I started to believe others could hurt me, I started to develop an ego to protect myself
I remember being young and believing in predeterminism
Like I was some kind of special person.
But not special above others.
Just special in the way that I and the universe were in alignment.
That I could talk to God and that I could create my reality
That I would have peace
I had total faith in that
That I was going to be okay
As I ventured into fear in getting into a good college
As I ventured into fear with making money
Ventured into fear with relationships and being good enough
Feared that I didn’t know myself.
All that crap compounded for me into believing that I am not one with the universe.

I believe I and the Universe/God/”the state of what is real in it’s entirety”
I believe me and that God are not one.
Is that true? [LIE]
I guess it’s not true
I know it’s not true
I don’t think I’ve ever thought about how I do believe I am separate from you
Separate from those who don’t try hard
Separate from those who don’t think hard
I like to think I can be better than them
That my struggle isn’t a matter of universal story
That my struggle is unique
That my suffering is unique
With me, the universe, money, family, romantic partners, silicon, lotion, vitamins, etc.
We are all one.

What will I do if I lose that feeling or get lost from it again?

Right now I do feel comfortable waking up tomorrow with the fear of uncertainty
Or waking up feeling good about uncertainty and thus without fear
Or with fearlessness
I feel fearless for a moment right now

But how can I maintain that?

Tarot: Justice

I like how I’m playing with numbers 3, 6, 12 in this tarot reading
Those numbers on repeat
I noticed that just now
That feels cool
I used to notice things like that as a kid
When I was in math class as a super small person,
I thought some sort of math in the world would look like this: 2+2=22
I didn’t know if it was addition that worked like that.
But then I learned addition and it didn’t work like that.
So it was probably multiplication.
It turned out that’s also not how multiplication works.
2*2 does not equal 22
I like XPR (shadow work, numerology, and tarot)
I feel like it’s the math in the universe I can play with
I feel like my brain was designed for this type of thinking and I trained it to do bullshit instead

I can feel how I was wired in this way to believe I was wrong
To believe this is not how the Universe worked
That you could have a perspective on things
I thought everything was numbers that I could grow to understand logically
I thought I could see the world and understand it logically
But I’m miserable
I’m depressed
This child-like math I had where 3+5+9=359
That’s the kind of math I’m good at
It could even equal 953 if we did it like this: 3+5+9=953
So it’s like they’re mirroring each other with the equal sign being like a mirror
Just having fun with it
Still thinking about things, but having fun with it

If I lose my ability to make money
If I have to get a minimum wage job for a while
If I have to work extra hard at things
I feel like that would be okay
I was an executive at a software company
I feel like I can’t step down to a lower rung from that
I feel like I can only step into being my own boss running my own company
That’s what I’m working on
But maybe it won’t work out
Maybe that’s not what’s on the other side of the equals sign

But I feel more comfortable approaching life right now
I feel more comfortable being myself
I think it sucks that we know so much as super young people,
then we’re trained to believe we were wrong.
Trained to believe that we didn’t have it right.
Trained to believe that we don’t know who we are
and that social media, social pressure, and others expectations will tell us who we need to be.

Who am I?
#13 – Mem Hanged Man
FALL: WHY am I so angry? Did I just attach to a “should?”
RISE: Am I too attached to an outcome to enjoy the “Princess/Process?”

I am too attached to an outcome to enjoy the process.
I play games with my friends and I’m so attached to the winning outcome taht I don’t enjoy playing
I’m so attached to getting Briar to fall in love with me that I don’t enjoy the process
The process is miserable
I’m so attached to the outcome
The outcome will come to me *if it’s meant to*
Which it totally is because I did the math and it seems to work out

And you can trust that, because it was me who did the math.

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