Do I believe I can communicate at a high level?

When I say high level, I mean with clarity, purpose, and all the good things.

Can I communicate so well that people know what I’m thinking

So well that people can see what I’m thinking

I learn new things like development and design

And I think about how in that process, I lose touch with communication

I begin to assume that others should know how to do certain things that I know how to do.

Or that things are easy

I want people to operate in a certain way

A way that conforms to my style of work being the most important

But I want to try a new way of working where what others do is the most important

Where I’m there to serve them

Where I’m able to truly be myself and enable others

But not in a way where I give my power away

Not in a way where my feet are sore because I’ve been sitting at my computer for hours

What I mean, is can I give myself to my career and the people I work with as if the art I see in them shines through them.

I worry about credit a lot

I worry about the fact that I put in a bunch of work and I don’t get credit for my work

Others don’t see the work I do

And so I want them to see the work I do 

I want them to like me because I work so hard at what I do

I think that I contribute 90% of the effort and I want them to acknowledge that

But those are never the situations where people say nice things

When I choose when I look good and hope others think I look good too

When I get someone out of a jam

When I play a small role in helping someone or doing something someone likes in a small way, I get the most praise

It’s not about trying to be the hero or everything

I don’t think it’s about that for me right now

I think trying to be the best light I can, but only in a small way might be the best way for me to provide value to others

When someone pays me I can truly feel like I can give them my thoughts, value, time, energy, and feel great about it

I sometimes move into resentment where I feel like I’m not making enough or that I couldn’t make enough money and I think I can navigate out of that by being more authentic to what I need and my capacity and changing that.

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I talk in inappropriate ways about inappropriate things