“She says she’ll change and I see she is working on it”

She’s not going to change dude, not that much 

“It’s a product of her childhood”

Of course, it’s all a product of the past

That doesn’t make what’s happening day to day not true

That doesn’t mean that the past is magically going to stop affecting her

It’s always going to be there

It’s a decision day to day whether she wants what’s happening day to day to change

She doesn’t really want it

What she wants is domestic bliss

What she wants is you, and that’s all she needs to be happy

She doesn’t want anything more

“But she’s very frustrated and worn down by her job

She says she does want change”

Do you trust what people say or what they do as more indicative of what the truth is?

What we have day to day is what we truly want.

What life looks like 6 months from now is a product of what you do today.

Is she creating a future where 6 months down the line things will be different?

Maybe you’re looking at a longer time horizon like 3 years 

Do you seriously see things going differently 3 years from now based on how she’s operating today?

If so, go with it

Be happy

Be happy with the process and enjoy the ride for the sake of the ride, not the result

I don’t see change and thus I don’t expect change

If you see change or expect change then keep it going

We become a product of the people we surround ourselves with

As I surrounding myself with people I want to be like? People who push me? People who practice bettering themselves and find themselves on their knees everyday begging to die or be saved or something?

Maybe that broken spirit isn’t one I want to surround myself with

LeBron James talks about how you need to sacrifice loved ones in order to be great

Sacrifice time with them in focus on your game

For love of the game

Not every loved one will understand that

And it’s so painful that you can’t every really show them why you’re obsessed in the way you are

Why you will wake up, eat breakfast and leave, be in the gym for practice, come home eat, nap, then go back to the gym, and come home to sleep.

And that cycle takes place for a very long time

That’s sacrificing your loved ones in pursuit of greatness and it’s painful.

Not everyone is willing to do it

Not everyone wants to do what it takes to really be great

Trying to be in development or entrepreneurship for money is like trying to become a basketball player for money in my view.

If you don’t love the game, it won’t work

You won’t focus and sacrifice enough to really be that good

You can make some money like $60k/year or max in your career like $150k/year 

But you’ll never be truly great at what you do if you don’t love the game enough to sacrifice.

Am I willing to feel what that sacrifice feels like and live that out when I wake up in the morning?

Am I willing to sacrifice my relationship if it means live of the game comes before everything else?

I have doubt that I would be willing to do that

I have doubt that I would be willing to sacrifice everything.

I don’t know if I could do it.

I think I might settle for mediocrity at what I do

But when I think about that settling

When I say to myself, “I’m okay with settling to be mediocre in order to be happy and not obsessive.”

I feel a sense of relief

A sense of a weight to be great being lifted

Something that usually crushes my soul and makes me feel like no matter how much work I put in, I’ll never be good enough.

Tomorrow is Monday and I have a presentation Tuesday, Wednesday, and start of April I need to prepare for.

I don’t feel ready to move up to that level

I don’t feel like I have the competitive stamina to do that.

I feel like I want to be in a position where I’m told what to do and I try my best to do that well

But I’m not in that position

I’m in a position where I have to show up with something new

Develop something unique

Answer questions a lot of people don’t know the answers to

Including myself

I don’t know the answers to a lot of the work I do.

I figure out the answer and then present it

I see people who can’t speak for themselves probably due to some sort of childhood regression and inability to communicate in a usual adult way.

I have that too within my own work

I hope someone else will step in, help me figure out what’s wrong, and communicate how to navigate out of it. AND help me do it

Basically I don’t want to take responsibility for things and I want happiness and freedom to be given to me.

But I don’t think that’s how it works 

I think I have to fight some hard battles

I think I have to feel everything I have 

I think I have to own everything I do

How I spend every minute of every day

And grind

I feel like I have to own how much soap I have on hand

I have to own the relationship with USPS somehow being unable to deliver my package

That’s no one else’s responsibility in my life to cover

I have to sort that shit out

I hate that. 

That’s hard

But I’m starting to see that day to day I’m not making the changes I want to see in my life on a 6-month timespan.

I’m not moving in the right direction

I’m moving in a good direction

But not the right direction.

I think I could upgrade it though

I think with focus I could upgrade that direction towards one I’m confident I’d be happy with

Right now what I have is time spent with friends, engaging discussion, average quality food, improving body products like bath soaps and lotions, I’m upgrading things

I’m spending money on things

But today I was reflecting on how someone I know who started out poor has about 3 million dollars in stocks and she still works at Waffle House

She just works as whatever kind of manager or worker at Waffle House but she knows what she wants in life

She got focused at like 25 or 30 years old and has been on the same path for 10-15 years and even while working that minimum wage, has improved dramatically.

By focusing on being a producer rather than being a consumer

Not focused on consuming to make her happy but by producing in some way to make herself happy.

The shit they spend a lot of time doing and people they talk to come of as gross to me, but like holy shit, she’s living her life her way with her people and she’s killing it.

She’s content

Has everything she could want.

I want to have everything I could want in that same way. 

The ability to dedicate to a grind or lifestyle in that way

I don’t know if that’s success as it’s been defined in my head up to this point but it’s a recycling of content and development of what she loves that makes her and the people she’s around happy.